


bigger than these bones

by aletterinthenameofsanity



Series: tell my father (this is my life) [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: ALSO NO INCEST YA FUCKS, AND GETS A GIRLFRIEND, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bisexual Female Character, Character Study, Child Abuse, F/F, Happy Ending, Healing, I stan (1) funky little bi, No Apocalypse, Past Character Death, Platonic Cuddling, Recovery, after recovering some, and then get confuse when watching the show, as if her backstory wasn't sad enough, because that's not how things went, do you ever convince yourself that your verse is canon, if there was ever a queer character other than Klaus, it's my girl vanya, my poor girl, or reading other fic, tragic backstory, vanya learns to heal, well I keep forgetting there was an apocalypse, you know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-26
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2019-11-05 10:10:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17916761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity
Summary: Vanya's known that she's bi since she was fourteen, when she was watching MTV and realizing that she kept finding herself staring at Britney Spears’ chest just as much as Justin Timberlake's biceps.But she never came out. (There was no one to come out to, after all, even if she'd wanted to. No one would care enough about her to reject or accept her.)-Before Vanya met Leonard, she had a girlfriend. Her name was Jeanine Xi, she loved dumplings and dancing and kissing Vanya, and she hated Reginald Hargreeves more than any of Vanya's siblings ever did.(It didn't last.)-There was a car crash, Vanya remembers. Vanya had forgotten to take her meds that morning. She and Jeanine were arguing about something minute and unimportant- maybe where they were going to dinner, maybe the election, she thinks- and the song Highway Don't Care had come on the radio-And suddenly the car careened off the road.(In the investigation afterward, the police noted that while Jeanine had died on impact, there was barely a scratch on the passenger seat occupant. A strange, sad accident, they’d thought, looking at the small woman staring at the hospital wall.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Control" by Halsey.
> 
>  
> 
> Once again, the theme song of this story is "Sinners" by Barns Courtney. There's an amazing fanvid for Umbrella Academy for this song that EVERYONE should check out.

_We wear our_ _traumas the way the guillotine wears gravity;_

_our lovers' necks are so soft._

- **Andrea Gibson**

 

Vanya's known that she's bi since she was fourteen, when she was watching MTV and realizing that she kept finding herself staring at Britney Spears’ chest just as much as Justin Timberlake's biceps.

But she never came out. (There was no one to come out to, after all, even if she'd wanted to. No one would care enough about her to reject or accept her.)

-

Before Vanya met Leonard, she had a girlfriend. Her name was Jeanine Xi, she loved dumplings and dancing and kissing Vanya, and she hated Reginald Hargreeves more than any of Vanya's siblings ever did.

(It didn't last.)

-

There was a car crash, Vanya remembers. Vanya had forgotten to take her meds that morning. She and Jeanine were arguing about something minute and unimportant- maybe where they were going to dinner, maybe the election, she thinks- and the song _Highway Don't Care_ had come on the radio-

And suddenly the car careened off the road.

(In the investigation afterward, the police noted that while Jeanine had died on impact, there was barely a scratch on the passenger seat occupant. A strange, sad accident, they’d thought, looking at the small woman staring at the hospital wall.

Poor girl, they'd thought, how tragic.)

-

How many times in the years from age twenty four to age thirty did Vanya wish that she had Klaus’ ability? How many times did she wish she could see Jeanine again, that she could only tell her girlfriend that she loved her one more time?

(Too many times. Too many nights spent staring at her bottle of meds, thinking about how tragedy follows her like the paparazzi follows her siblings.)

-

It's in that prison cell in the basement that Vanya realizes how exactly Jeanine died. She looks back on the tragedy of her own life and feels her heart rip itself apart again.

She screams, begs to be let out, because she's terrified, not just of the cell but of herself. Vanya can't trust herself. Her emotions have killed people, both innocent and not. She has to escape but she also has to learn how to get things under control.

 _I'm sorry,_ Vanya says as Allison opens the door to that prison, and she's not just apologizing to Allison. She's apologizing to Jeanine, to the girl who was the first person to make her feel human. To the girl who she loved.

She's begging for forgiveness from a ghost.

Klaus wraps her in his arms, humming an unfamiliar but soothing tune in her ear, and she clings to him.

She hasn't been held in so long. She's never gotten to cuddle any of her siblings, and the last time someone ever properly held her was Jeanine. Klaus's hug feels like a balm to a wound she didn't realize she had, the touch starvation she hadn't realized existed until this moment. 

-

It takes Allison and Klaus to help put her back together, to help her learn how to function with her powers without being paranoid that she'll destroy everyone she loves. Her siblings don't quite try to build her up in the same way that Leonard did, with anger, or that Jeanine did, with passive kindness.

They understand her in the way that Leonard and Jeanine hadn't, even though Leonard had believed that they were the same and Jeanine had definitely tried to understand her but had fallen short.

Klaus understands what it's like to be undervalued and trapped in that small room; Allison understands what it's like to have an enormous, world-altering powers and having to learn how to harness and control it properly. They both help her a lot in learning how to treat her powers in the best (not Good, Vanya doesn't think any of them have figured out how to be 'Good') way possible. 

Ben, surprisingly enough, is also quite helpful. She hadn't expected her dead brother to be able to provide much expertise, but when he quietly explains how he kept the monsters under his skin she starts to understand. 

They all have powers that could easily destroy things. Ben has his monsters, Allison her voice, Diego his weapons, Luther his strength, Five his time-warping assasinations, Klaus his connection to the dead, and Vanya?

Well, she has the apocalypse.

Vanya learns that it only took a single day, a single opened door to prevent her from creating the apocalypse. She knows that in another timeline, Five arrived a week ago to a world destroyed by her abilties.

That’s a pretty heavy piece of knowledge to be carrying around. Billions of deaths could have been easily caused by a Vanya who was just a little more isolated, a Vanya trapped and left behind for just a little while longer. 

She knows she could have done it. The guilt sits in the back of her mind, alongside the guilt she feels every time she sees the scar on Allison's neck.

There are some things that can't be erased with a change of choice. The past is the past, and sometimes you just have to live with your choices. 

-

Vanya starts to feel in control when there is music playing, when there is a violin in her hands or a song humming through her brain. She soon comes to realize that there are certain songs, though, that she can't control, songs that already have prior emotional associations. She associates some music with death and some with life, certain songs and genres with each of her siblings and each of her personal tragedies.

She can’t listen to Tim McGraw or Taylor Swift without feeling herself losing control, their voices reminding her too much of a car crash. The same thing goes for certain songs from the fifties, certain tunes she can only ever associate with her father.

She didn't really spend enough time around Leonard to associate him with anything specific, thank God. 

-

They were numbered in the order in which they'd discovered their powers. Luther from practically birth, Diego as soon as his pudgy infant arms could learn how to hold objects, Allison from the time she could form full sentences, Klaus at age three, when he started telling Pogo about seeing the woman telling him about how she was murdered next door, Five when he was, ironically enough, five, and had teleported from his room downstairs for dinner one night, and then Ben, who had started summoning the monsters at age six.

She was Seven, always last. Always unwanted, no power left to her.

Now, she knows that she would have been Number Five, if she'd been allowed to keep her powers, if she hadn't been forced to suppress her emotions, if Allison hadn't repressed her memories.

Vanya wonders what it would be like not to be Seven, to be last, last loved and last priority and always last wanted.

(She thinks she might be learning, now. When her and Klaus fall asleep, when Allison tells her stories, when Five and her eat marshmallow-peanut-butter sandwiches, when Diego and her go bowling, when Luther finally sets up that Family Game Night, when Ben and Dave pull her into a game of Chinese Checkers- she starts to feel like she's wanted. She's not the last priority anymore.)

-

She finds Klaus in front of the door to the basement, one day, a hammer in his hands and a screwdriver and container of nails by his knees. 

"What're you doing?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"What's it look like?" he asks, waving his hammer around lazily, "I'm nailing the door shut."

Oh. Vanya understands that. She knows his reasons better than she could ever articulate. She crouches down next to him. “You need some help?” she asks.

"You know how do use a hammer?" Klaus asks, no real surprise in his voice.

"Yeah," she says, "But I can do you one better."

She reaches out her hand and feels her emotions well up in her. She hums Klaus and Dave’s song,  _Waterloo Sunset_ , and she destroys her cell and then destroys the mausoleum that trapped Klaus, destroys the parts of them that were trapped underground and in the dark. She starts to sing, voice warbling (her true musical skill is on the violin, not her voice), and every statue of Reginald Hargreeves on the estate explodes from her fury.

Vanya Hargreeves was never a hero. She was never a member of the Academy, never went on missions. She never learned how to use her powers to stop burglars and save people.

She's learning what she wants to use her powers for now, in the modern day.

The power rushes through her and she feels at home with herself. She realizes that she can use this power, this destruction, for good. She can use it to make things right, to help her and her siblings heal.

-

Vanya wrote a book, once, with a chapter dedicated to each of her siblings.

She remembers the titles she'd given each of their chapters. The Whisper. The Tragedy. The Killer. The Disappearing Act. The Loner. The Addict.

If she was to name them today, she thinks she'd call them something different. Something more hopeful.

She likes the stories that Allison tells, slow, rasping voice sounding out their adventures. Spaceboy. The Rumor. The Kraken. The Seance. The Boy. The Horror. (Okay, maybe that last one could change.)

And her, Vanya- the White Violin. Such a kind name for such a destructive power.

But as Allison points out one evening, as they're all watching the lights spin in accordance to Vanya playing "Think of Me," her powers are not just destructive. They can be used to manipulate the world around her, to provide happiness and light.

-

The night before they're set to get on the plane to L.A., Vanya finds herself dancing with each of her siblings (and Dave, who definitely seems like he's here to stay). First there's Klaus, who dances with a sort of clumsy grace, then Five, whose habit of taking his dance partners through spatial leaps actually is tons of fun to Vanya, and then Ben, who is actually a really good jazz dancer.

Then Allison's song-  _Dancing In The Moonlight_ by Toploader (the 2001 remix, to be specific) comes on, and Vanya finds herself dancing with her sister. Allison's rather talented at this whole thing- Vanya vaguely remembers her being in a musical in 2015- and Vanya finds herself being spun around the room. The lights around them spin with her as the music plays, providing an almost disco-esque effect for the night.

"Hey, sis, you mind keeping the lights from following us around?" Diego asks from where he and Klaus are dancing together. Luther's dancing with Ben and Dave with Five, who seems to be taking extreme amusement with Klaus' boyfriend's reactions when he spatial-leaps. Vanya realizes that they all have lightbulbs trailing them around the room, caused by her accidental powers.

(It's actually kind of beautiful, the way it lights up their faces and turns the room almost magical. The lights make everything almost kinder, in their way, casting everything in such a different light than usual.)

"Nah, leave 'em," Allison says, "The boys could use a little glitz."

"This boy's already got plenty of glitz," Klaus says, and Vanya can see the long black skirt and gold suit jacket that he wore to dress up tonight. All of her siblings made some sort of an effort, too- Diego's wearing a black button-down instead of a leather vest, Luther's actually  _not_ wearing his overcoat, Five's got on a blazer that doesn't have the Umbrella Academy logo on it, Ben's wearing a dark grey vest instead of his usual hoodie, Allison's wearing a red jumpsuit, Vanya's wearing her first chair tux, and Dave's wearing one of Klaus' old white button downs, the bloodstain on his chest long ago washed away on one of his material visits.

"That he does," Dave says with a warm smile, and Vanya's chest feels wonderfully tight at the grin her brother sends back at his boyfriend.  

-

While the Hargreeves siblings are in L.A. meeting Claire, Vanya meets a woman named Alyssa López, a elementary school music teacher who spends her weekends performing as a violinist in the local theater's seasonal theatre productions. Within the week Vanya's going on her first date, and the night is one of the absolute best she's had in years. Alyssa is snarky and witty and kind, with a passion for Sondheim that leads into a impassioned debate between her and Vanya, who argues that Lloyd Webber was the better Broadway composer.

(There is no accident, this time. Vanya hums Allison's song in her mind, keeping her powers at bay, and nothing happens. There will be no accidental explosions of power here, no tragedy.)  

When Vanya walks through Allison's front door, a stain of lipstick on the edge of her mouth, she finds Klaus, Ben, and Dave sitting in the living room, playing a game of...is that D&D?

"How was the date, sis?" Klaus asks.

"She was wonderful," Vanya says with a small smile, mind already racing to the next date. Maybe seeing a concert together? Maybe dinner?

"Wait, you're bi too?" Klaus asks, and Vanya raises an eyebrow.

"What of it?"

"That's awesome," he says, eyes gleaming with...is that pride?...as he holds out a hand for a high-five.

"What's bi?" Dave asks, hand casually resting under Klaus' hand on Klaus' thigh.

"Well, honey," Klaus starts, all too happy to explain the intricacies of sexual orientation to his 70s-era boyfriend, and a small smile grows on Vanya's lips. It's all so domestic and sweet, something none of them ever got as a kid.

(Is this what hope feels like? Vanya's so unused to the feeling that she has trouble placing it at first.)

Vanya sits down on the sofa next to Ben. "Mind if I play too?"

"You can help Dave out," Ben says, "He still doesn't know the rules."

"D&D was invented in '74- I'm not surprised," Vanya says, but then she looks at Dave. "You mind if I join your team?"

"You probably know more than I do," Dave says genially, and Vanya smiles.

"Alright," she says, "Who are you playing as?"

And the game goes on.

 

_Everything heals._

_Your body heals. Your heart heals. The mind heals. Wounds heal._

_Your soul repairs itself. Your happiness is always going to come back._

_Bad times don’t last._

**-Christiana Rutkowski**


	2. twice-loved

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanya learns what love means.  
>  
> 
> (Definitely happier than the other two "before the series" extra chapters I've written, though at times bittersweet.)

The first time in Vanya's life that she feels loved is when Jeanine smiles at her from across a table at the tiny café in the bookshop and asks, "You want me to help straighten out your tie?"

(They've been dating for a month at the time, but Jeanine is already showing more care than any of Vanya's siblings have throughout her childhood.)

Vanya nods, giving Jeanine a small smile as she leans forward and adjusts Vanya's tie a little. "Thank you," Vanya says.

"No problem," Jeanine says with a wink, and something in Vanya's chest melts.

- 

As the relationship progresses, Vanya falls more and more in love with her Jeanine.

Jeanine's a dancer in a local troupe on weekends and a bartender on weeknights. Most nights Vanya will stay up past her usual bedtime in order to be awake when Jeanine gets home. Jeanine's smile is enough to brighten her world, to make her forget everything bad that happened in her childhood. 

No one has ever made time for Vanya before. No one has cared enough to make Vanya feel like a priority, like she is loved.

But Jeanine- dear Lord, Jeanine was nothing like Vanya's family. She's attentive and kind and she loves like if she lets go, the world will stop turning.

Jeanine is the daughter of two divorced parents. Her dad remarried only a couple of years after the divorce, while her mom had a long-term boyfriend she'd never gotten married to for tax reasons or something of the like.  

And Jeanine, well, you wouldn't be able to tell a thing about this from the way she lives. She has a relentless optimism about her, a bright smile and kind words that almost seem to challenge the world to dump pessimism in her direction.

She wasn't afraid to stand up to others like no one had ever stood up for her, when she had been the little Chinese-American lesbian who loved violin and action movies and dumplings and kissing girls a bit too much to ever be considered normal. She'd gotten more mad at Dad than Vanya ever did, and it had been pretty amazing to see that someone else cared so much about Vanya.

-

Jeanine introduces Vanya to her parents and it goes pretty well. Jeanine's mom, Megan Yang, looks exactly like Jeanine in every way, though has a much more sarcastic personality. She's a nurse at a local outpatient therapy center and she works with elderly patients, before returning home at night to eat dinner with her boyfriend and, once a week, her daughter. She can be a bit rough at times, better with sarcasm than with sweetness, but Vanya believes she does care.

Jeanine's father, Jerome Xi, is a man with a stony expression but a rather warm heart. He's an excellent cook, though his everyday profession is actually lawyer, and he's rather kind.

(Before she met Jerome, Vanya thought that a father could only be hard and cold like Dad, could never show affection or be kind like Mom. Jerome shows Vanya otherwise.)

Jeanine dearly loves both of her parents, though, despite all of their quirks and the occasional tension between them, and Vanya wishes she had that in her family too.

-

Jeanine asks Vanya if she wants her to meet the family, and Vanya thinks about the fact that Allison's out of town and Klaus is god knows where and Diego's busy with his police training and Luther and Ben are still busy with the whole hero-thing and Vanya says, "Maybe some other time."

Jeanine takes one look at her expression and says, a small, wry smile on her lips, "Probably never, right?"

"The day my family works their shit out enough to be in a room together without any of them attempting to fight each other, I'll introduce them to you."

Jeanine laughs. "So never it is, then." Vanya nods. Jeanine leans in and kisses her. "Well, you'll always have me, even when your family are being dicks."

"Have I told you I love you?" Vanya says, half as a joke, half as real, but Jeanine just smiles.

"Not before I haven't told you the same," Jeanine says, and Vanya can't imagine ever going back to her life before Jeanine, when Vanya didn't know just how much that little four letter word could mean.

-

And then the car crash happens, and Vanya's whole world, carefully crafted by her shaking, desperate fingers, collapses around her.

-

When Jeanine dies, Vanya is the one who has to deliver the news to her family. Her mother gives Vanya a hug and an apology, even while tears are pooling in her eyes, while her father asks Vanya to leave in a low, broken voice.

Vanya leaves the hospital and their houses with a broken heart and a shredded belief in the power of love.

* * *

When Vanya falls in love a second time- really in love, not just being manipulated into it by a man who just wanted her for her powers and the possibility of revenge- she can't help but notice all the different but wonderful things about her, compared to Jeanine.

Alyssa López is so like and unlike Jeanine at the same time. She's not eternally optimistic, though she is just as kind- she has a certain snarky sense of humor about her, a sarcasm that Vanya wouldn't expect from an elementary school teacher. She is more patient than Jeanine, her biting wit disguising her ability to wait as long as is needed to help people out. Jeanine had callouses on her feet from dancing; Alyssa has them on the palms of her hands and pads of her fingertips from playing the violin.

Vanya gets to introduce Alyssa to her family, unlike how she got to with Jeanine. Her family's as welcoming as they can be, considering the various ways they've all been emotionally stunted, but Alyssa still seems to like them. She gets along best with Diego and Allison, interestingly enough, but Klaus and Five both have soft spots for her. 

(Vanya's not gonna lie, the idea of Alyssa, Klaus, and Five teaming up on  _anything_ kind of scares her. But in a good way, she thinks. The idea of her siblings being close enough to her girlfriend to pull off insane pranks or to somehow decide they're going to plan some elaborate musical stunt- which she  _knows_ they're capable of- makes her happy inside.)

At the end of the day, Vanya is happy with Alyssa in a different way than she was with Jeanine. Not better, not worse, just different. She has her family by her side this time, behind her relationship, and she's not as passionately in love with Alyssa as she was with Jeanine just yet, but she's pretty sure she's getting there.

She kisses Alyssa after her first concert Alyssa gets to come too, and it feels like coming home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allison's POV is definitely on its way, I promise, I'm just getting a bit held up by lack of creative spark. The beginning and the end are long done, I'm just a bit stuck on the middle. It should be done soon, though. Hope this was okay in the meantime!

**Author's Note:**

> Once again, kudos and comment are greatly appreciated and motivate new editions of this story! Comments especially motivate further writing!
> 
> I'd just like to thank everyone for the absolutely wonderful response to this 'verse. I've been absolutely overwhelmed by the number of comments and kudos and hits, and it's been a really big boost motivation-wise as well as morale-wise. I've never seen such an outpouring of support for a 'verse of mine before, and I'm so happy. So thanks again, dear readers, and I hope you enjoyed this story as much as the previous two!


End file.
